The first crying of a baby, the one to which the mother responds so powerfully, is the basis of the mother-child bond. Mother–and father, too–will always jump to help their crying child. The “alarm bell rings,’ and help is on the way. This bond can be described as hormonal/physical, emotional, and spiritual. We are connected. We are one.
As the child grows, and the parents perceive him or her as a more-aware partner in the relationship, it becomes harder for the parents to listen to the crying. If it is obvious to the parent the the child is not in imminent danger, than why does s/he cry? Parents’ thoughts and feelings start to swirl around: Why does s/he do that to me? Why doesn’t s/he listen to me?
And judging start to take place: What a selfish kid! S/he just want to show s/he can get his or her way, to show me s/he is the boss. Many negative thoughts and feelings come to the foreground. The normally loving and supportive parent becomes an angry, frustrated, and negative individual. It is almost like this individual needs to cry, too.
Fact: This parent does need a shoulder to cry on. Our children’s feelings resonate with us, bringing our own feelings to the surface. We have found ways to ignore those feelings, bury them, deny them, invalidate them–but they are there. And spending a long time with young children who cannot cope with negative feelings yet reminds us of times we were just as vulnerable. And we, too, need to find our way out of these negative feelings.
What is a parent to do? If you do feel your negative feelings coming to the surface, do not take it out on your child. Find a safe place, a friend, a journal, a coach or a counselor, to unload your pain, your crying. That will help you to be calm, present, and positive, so that your child will be able to unload his or her feelings safely, and move on.